Esther's Diary – Jesus, Life & Shenanigans

Forget what could have, should have, would have !

I don’t even know where to start with this one. Let me quote the bible.

In Isaiah 43:18, God commands us to “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past” followed by “See, I am doing a new thing”. This is a verse I had been hearing in my heart for quite some time, but I always focused on the “new thing” part. I felt like my life sucked so much that all I wanted was that new thing. Sign me up !

I had been stuck in a season for so long that I was disappointed. I was trying to remain faithful like I could, but to be honest, I was tired of being tired. I was so over it. I felt like God was punishing me and being mean to me although I did nothing to deserve that. I could not understand why He still didn’t want to give me the desires of my heart after all these years being a good girl.

My mind and my knowledge of God didn’t allow me to believe that I serve a mean God, but everything else in me was tempted to believe it. Still, I kept knocking on heaven’s door hoping that the One I fell in love with would show me His loving face again, but in reality, I had stopped living. I lost my passion, I stopped believing, I wasn’t willing to take any chance because I was afraid of being disappointed. I was even entertaining guys I shouldn’t because I wanted the next guy to make up for what the last one did not do, and hopefully make me feel better. When I realized how unhealthy and out of character I was acting, I had to pause.

First, I had to stop trying to find something to replace what I thought I lost. I had to allow myself to feel, cry for a few days, and then I started praying on that verse. As I was praying and going over every event that disappointed me in the last couple of years, God asked me : “WHY DO YOU LIKE BONDAGE SO MUCH?”.

I – . How can someone like bondage?… But then it hit me, I was actually in bondage, holding on to my past. I wasn’t living. I was making every decision based on my past disappointments, so I was stuck trying to make up or comfort myself for what didn’t happen. The only thing is, by doing that, I wasn’t really leaving room for God to do what He wants. Yes, the revelation and dreams I had for my future at 17 were good, but I’m not 17 anymore, I’m not even the same person, I don’t want the same things. Those dreams and that passion sustained me until now, but it’s time for something new ! I have to make room for it by letting go of the old things. I can’t be singing “I’m no longer a slave” everyday when I’m actually volunteering to be a slave. Make it make sense.

From that moment, I had to make a conscious decision to break up with my past and be set free. Start looking forward and not back. I had to separate myself from anything that was linked to it and allow God to do a new thing. No more “he did this to me 4 years ago”, no more “I shouldn’t have done this, I should have been there by now”. Shut up sis.

What does God want to do now, moving forward? That’s my concern. The future is brighter. That’s why He said “I am doing a new thing, it’s springing forth, do you not see it?”

It’s time to focus.

I’m excited for the future again and I can’t wait to see where it takes me.

Forward always, backwards never,

-E

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