Esther's Diary – Jesus, Life & Shenanigans

Sorry, Prince Charming is not coming

Like Snow white, Cinderella and their friends, I was waiting for Prince Charming too. After a while, I realized I was playing myself so, your girl had to get up. Prince Charming who? He ain’t coming sis!

How and why did I come to that conclusion? Let me share my experience:

Growing up, marriage was never something I dreamt of like every little girl. I wanted to grow up, have an amazing career, be successful, and chop life, that was it. To be honest, ’til this day, my dad never mentioned me and marriage in the same sentence (bless his soul lol), and my mom, well, she just knows I will get married one day. At the age of 16, I gave my life to Christ and started being very active in church, that’s when my mind started being infested with marriage. I started university around the same time so I was automatically seen as “the girl who will get married quickly”. Several times, mothers went to see my pastor at the time to put me on hold for their son, and make wedding plans for when I would be done with my degree. Prophets and pastors had only one topic to talk to me about – marriage.

Things kept getting worse as I kept getting older. At 19, I finished my undergrad and all hell broke loose. I was called into a meeting to have a serious conversation about getting married and my options. I don’t know if it was rebellion or a genuine lack of interest, but the topic started upsetting me. Seeds that I wasn’t mature enough to carry were being planted in my head and heart. Because of all this unnecessary pressure, I unconsciously started having certain expectations and building a picture for myself that was not from God or maybe I just did not have the maturity to understand what God was trying to say. At that time, those around me were not helpful in teaching me how to handle the revelation. Naturally, I started waiting for that moment I would finally meet THE ONE because it felt like that’s what my life boiled down to. I couldn’t understand why they weren’t impressed by my love for Christ, great personality and brilliant mind (among other things) but they just wanted me to get married. I felt like if I didn’t get married, I’d be jeopardizing my destiny, ruining my life and letting God down. As a result, frustration grew in my heart a bit more each year that went by without me meeting Prince Charming, the man I wanted to come and save me.

This eventually led me down a dark path of disappointment, with a dash of embarrassment, confusion and heartbreak. I wanted every guy that I liked to be my husband but it doesn’t work like that boo-boo. I eventually got tired of the cycle and I decided to stop. I had enough. I got tired of breaking my own heart. For what?

I realized I was in trouble and had to face the fact that my issues were deeper than what I thought. I had to face myself and ask the tough questions. Marriage was an idol in my heart. I know, that’s a big word, but it’s true. At first, I wanted to sweep everything under the rug, pray a little, watch a sermon or two to make myself feel better and move on but God was not with it. I had to pause and actually feel what was going on and trust me, I felt. I spent HOURS on the floor crying, tears I should’ve cried a long time ago. I was hurt. That season left me feeling rejected and worthless because I felt like something had to be wrong with me for the promise of God not to come to pass (the way I thought it would). It broke me and affected my self-esteem, a lot.

I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to lay my old expectations and desires at the feet of Jesus and let Him fill my heart with what He wants for me. I was waiting on charming but what I was really hoping for was a saviour, ignoring the One who died on the cross for me. I already had a saviour.

Marriage was occupying God space in my heart, so I had to take some practical steps to remove it from my heart and develop a healthy relationship with it. I stopped following the wedding accounts on social medias, I stopped watching the relationship sermons, I was not talking to, dating, texting, smiling or breathing around ANY man (I’m exaggerating but you get the gist). My friends thought I was doing the most but I had to do what was right for me. (Side note: after doing that for a while, I went back out to test the waters and I realized I’m still not ready, so, I’m still doing all that right now. I’m missing out on Mike Todd’s Relationship Goals series lol. I’ll catch up at some point).

With all that being said, I now have a better understanding of the revelation and I have the right circle and mentors to help me handle my revelation properly. It’s been a process because I had to unlearn a lot of things and let go of a lot of my beliefs, but I am determined to trust God and submit to His plan.

I am more than who I marry. I have more inside of me than “wifey”. I have so much to offer the world and that’s what I’m focusing on. I’m a whole catch, and I mean it. I’M IT ! I am trusting God to write my love story and it will take the time that it takes. In the meantime, I’m happily single and chilling.

I know a lot of young women can relate to this, either because of family, church or cultural pressure. I want to hear all about it. Slide in my DMs y’all, let’s chat !

-E

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