Esther's Diary – Jesus, Life & Shenanigans

Get Off Your High Horse !

It’s hard to understand why you would leave the 99 for the one until you’re that one.

It’s easy to make fun of the one drowning if you never tried crossing the river.

Unfortunately, too many of us are guilty of doing this at some point.

My pastor always says “break yourself before God breaks you”, and I will never stress this enough. Don’t let it sneak up on you sis. I had to learn this. There was a time in my walk with God when I thought I could do no wrong. I thought I was pretty close to perfection if you’d ask me (sike). I thought I was doing everything right because I was sinning differently than others, it gave me the comfort and confidence I needed to be pointing fingers and frowning upon others. I had a hard time understanding how people could fall or commit sin, failing to realize that I, myself, was sinning big time. If it was back in the days, I would have been among the ones casting stones. That’s the thing about pride and self-righteousness, you can’t see it for yourself. I was ruthless. I couldn’t understand the concept of mercy and grace, until I needed mercy and grace.

Before I knew it, God started showing me who I was and it wasn’t pretty. That’s what Watchman Nee calls the discipline of the Holy Spirit in his book. If you’re lucky, God will expose you to you and you will quickly shut up.

“The less enlightened you are about yourself, the more submissive to God you appear to be in your own eyes”,

– Watchman Nee, The release of the spirit

I quickly realized that one of my main issues was that I had a wrong perception and understanding of God. I thought God was waiting to punish me. I thought God was transactional. I thought I had to do something to earn His love because that was my understanding of love, so, the more I did, the more I felt deserving. The more I checked the boxes of daily prayer, service in church, bible reading etc, the more I thought God loved me. Truth is, sometimes, our attitude towards others is a pure reflection of the state of our relationship with God. I was quick to condemn others because I thought God would do the same to me. I didn’t have a relationship with God, I was striving to feel deserving of His love. I wasn’t being real with God, I was playing a role.

I thank God for the painful process of revealing me to myself. It comes with a series of hardships, shame, mistakes but It’s the best thing that has been happening to me for the past 2 years, and I pray it never stops (yes, really). The day I start feeling like “I got this”, is the day I will know I’m in trouble. We are nothing, just clay in the potter’s hands, there’s no need to try to impress God. In Luke 15:7, it says: “I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent”. God couldn’t care less about your perfect record. He did not come for the perfect, the flawless, but He came for people like me, and maybe, you.

My prayer today is that God will reveal our hearts to us. That we will trade religion for relationship, for real. I pray for pruning processes and brokenness. I pray for clean hands and pure hearts. That we will truly humble ourselves, repent and get to know Him for who He really is.

With all of my love,


2 thoughts on “Get Off Your High Horse !

  1. “The day I start feeling like “I got this”, is the day I will know I’m in trouble.” My God! When we get to that point we know we’re about to go through a red light. Thank you for this! So much insight into how we can live our lives with the awareness that it is only God’s grace sustaining us and that we are never better than others, just individuals at different stages in our processes. 🔥🔥🔥

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