Esther's Diary – Faith, Lifestyle & Girl Talk

Strong, Tired and Terrified.

I don’t even know where to start. My posts were planned for the month. I knew what I was supposed to talk about since my last post, but I found myself stuck, unable to speak, produce, or release.

2020 has been a year.

Let me start by saying that I am extremely grateful for God’s protection and so much more that we usually take for granted like our health, job, safe loved ones etc. However, the current climate of the world left me feeling both humbled and desperate. What do I mean by that?

I always knew I didn’t have that much power but the series of unexpected, dramatic and traumatic events made me realize that we are truly nothing, just humans addicted to the illusion of power and control, when in reality, we don’t control anything. Desperate because I need God and we all do. With a whole a pandemic, murder, injustice, loss, pain (to name a few) we are tired and nothing else will do. No plan B, just God.

Like many of you, the Georges Floyd video just wrecked me and gave me a lot to think about. I am a black woman in America, and I’ve been “the only” or “the first” black woman too many times in my life. It’s tiring. We’re strong, but we’re tired. We’re tough but we cry. We’re resilient but we’re terrified.

So, when I pause the videos, close the tabs, silence the noise and wipe my tears, I am left wondering what can I really do? I have a responsibility, not only for me, but for those coming after me. I can’t call the white house and demand justice for Georges Floyd but I can be part of the conversation with my white co-workers who do not necessarily understand. I can raise awareness. I can speak life. I can be hopeful. I can educate myself and be a bridge, to be able to teach good values and morals to my children, nephews and others. I can keep chasing every single one of my goals because sometimes, we need to clap back at the haters while paving the way for others.

Bottom line, now more than ever, I understand what it means to start where you are, in your lane, using what you have in your hands and that’s exactly what we will do. Whether we’re artists, lawyers, doctors, models, stay at home parents, pastors etc, let’s not lose hope. Yes, we are tired, but there is strength in our vulnerability. We can channel our pain into something positive.

We did not come this far to stop now.

Know that you are precious and loved.

You matter. Black Lives will always and forever matter.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: