Esther's Diary – Jesus, Life & Shenanigans

You’re still all that (AND a bag of chips) !

I really want to start by reminding everyone how crazy 2020 has been but I think we all know. In the midst of what seems like chaos and a mystery, it’s so easy to lose ourselves in the events of our daily lives, the trial, the ups and downs, the failures, heartbreak, rejection etc… More than anything, I’ve realized how easy it is to allow external factors to slowly change the way we feel about ourselves. If we’re not alert, the enemy will slide through the little cracks every pain leaves us with and live rent-free in our heads or hearts, with his minions, throwing slumber parties on the week-ends.

If I can share my own experience, recently, I went through a whole month without being able to breathe properly. It would come and go but at some point, it stayed for 2 weeks straight and I decided to go get it checked out. I didn’t have the rona, my blood pressure was fine, but my heart rate? Too fast. I didn’t understand why and the doctor just said maybe it’s because I’m nervous. I didn’t really pay him no mind because what is that? I thought maybe I had some type of blood clot or something and I was starting to worry, which was obviously not helping the situation. After my visit to the doctor, I started feeling better but one night, something happened and I started having the same symptoms, that’s when it clicked: It was anxiety.

It hasn’t been the easiest year and I gathered that I started feeling this way every time I felt bad about myself in a situation OR when I allowed people to make me feel “less than”. Around the time it all started, I got rejected from a job I really wanted, dealing with people at work was affecting my self-esteem and things in other areas of my life were on the rocks. I felt rejected, disqualified, undervalued and lonely, but I never put words on it because I kept telling myself “these are feelings I let go of long ago, I can’t deal with this, it’s a lie, not me”. Little did I know, it was slowly eating me alive and trying to ignore it was only making it worse….

I don’t remember what happened, but one day, I snapped out of it and decided I had enough. I was experiencing crazy moods swings, like, the smallest thing would affect me. Praying was getting harder. I was happy in the morning, sad at noon, happy again, then angry at night. It was too much so, one night, I just decided to start praying about it. I didn’t know what to say, I just started praying, and praying and praying and I started saying: “away from God, I am not myself. When my eyes are not fixed on Him and I am not abiding in Him, I lose myself in my thoughts or how I feel about myself and it’s so easy for the enemy to whisper lies”. From that day, I started forcing myself to pray like I used to and everything started changing.

Following that night, not only did God remind me of who I am, He gave me my fight back. Listen, I will not sit around and let my heart and thoughts be the playground of the enemy. My pastor said that sometimes our deliverance is in our willingness and I am willing to break free from this cycle of anxiety and depression. I will not lose my mind. I will not give up. The devil is a liar.

Listen, there’s nothing anyone in the world can do to change who God says you are. You can accept the lies of the enemy or choose to trust God’s truth. Your call. How you feel about yourself should not depend on how somebody treats you or reacts to you. Never lower your standards, or bend the rules to be liked by someone. Be brave enough to stand your ground and stand firm on what you believe in. Do not follow the flock. Your are worthy because God says so and if other people don’t see or believe it, then that’s their business and it shouldn’t become yours. Trust your sauce.

This year hasn’t been short of unexpected events, disappointment, cancelled plans, pending promises and it’s easy to lose yourself in all that. Baby girl, I’m just here to remind you (and me) that you’re still all that AND a bag of chips. Do not let life keep you down, get back up and always stay connected to your source.

Despite everything, I choose to be grateful. I am so glad I was able to come out of my shell and do something amazing this year. I started walking in my purpose in this season and I will not allow the negative to cloud the positive.

Thank you for riding with me. I am so excited for what God is about to do next year and where He will take this platform. I pray we all finish the year healthy, full of hope and strength.

Miss you all already !

xx

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